Oh how wrong I've been
by vicctoria
Summary: He looks at me and he sees all of my flaws. He looks at each one of them with disgust in his eyes, trying to hide it away with a smile. He looks at me, and I can see in his eyes, that he don't like what he sees. He sees my all too big eyes, my blonde untamed hair and the whiskers on my cheeks.


He looks at me and he sees all of my flaws. He looks at each one of them with disgust in his eyes, trying to hide it away with a smile. He looks at me, and I can see in his eyes, that he don't like what he sees. He sees my all too big eyes, my blonde untamed hair and the whiskers on my cheeks.

He looks me in the eyes with that stupid smile plastered on his face

"You're beautiful!"

And.. There it is! The three words that I hate most of all in the world. Especially when they're coming from him. Why? Because I know they're a lie. Every time he tells me that I'm beautiful, every time those words get further and further away from what he really thinks, and futher away from me.

I don't want this relationship knowing that I love him more than he loves me. I don't want to love him at all. Period. But now I do, and he tells me he loves me back (which is complete and utter bullshit), and it hurts. It just hurts so much.

I've been hurting for I don't know how many years, then he comes along and brightens everything. I've been smiling more this past month than I have in my whole life. And yet, here I am again. Hurting.

I don't want this, but I don't want to live without this either..

I'm torn between what my head wants to do and what my heart wants to do. I'm torn between the rational thing to do and the stupid thing to do.

I know I must confront him about it, but how? How could I, ask the person that I love, if he wants to leave me. I am so scared of his answer. What if his answer is "Yes". What will I do then?

Isn't it funny? People who're single can cry for days, just because they are. And here I am, complaining when I am in a relationship with the one I love. The thing is that I can promise you, promise you with all of my heart, that it is a hundred times worse, when you have what you want, when you've tasted a bit of heaven, and then realises that he doesn't want you anymore. I can assure you that that is one of the most horrible feelings in the world. When you've been given something to realise how much you really want it, only for it to be taken out of your reach.

People say that there's plenty more fish in the sea, that if I lose someone another'll come running. What if I don't want anyone else?

Ah, man. I'm in a really sticky situation right now. I have to do what's best for me, I know I'll be okay. But I can't. I lack the courage. I lack the strength. I lack the energy. Right now I'm nothing. I'm just an empty shell, the real me is out of here looking for happiness. Something I guess I'll never find.

I just can't get it out of my head, how he discretly turn his screen away from me when he's texting. How he spends more and more time talking to "friends", and less time talking to me. How when I asked him if he wanted to end this to be with someone else, his answer was – Nah, I'd feel like such a player – not, "Why, ofcourse not, I'm with you because you are the one that I want".

I don't want to walk around all day when I'm not with him, wondering "Is he talking to someone he likes more than me?". I want to be sure that he wants me, and only me. I don't want to be insecure in our relationship anymore.

I guess I've read too many books. There is no such thing as a "happy couple", there is no such thing as a "happily ever after". But to see things from the bright side, I'm glad I figured this out now, I guess it'll save me alot of unnecessary hurting in the future. I'm just scared that this will affect me badly. That I won't want to commit to someone in this kind of way again. Being left so open, honest and vulnurable to another human being. It's scary just that, but now, when I've trusted someone with my whole being, just to have it thrown in my face, how will I think of it later?

Oh, how I wish that this would've worked out, I wish it more than anything in the world. But I can't continue this way, a relationship like this isn't healthy. I deserve someone who loves me back. I deserve someone who can look at me, see my flaws and accept each and every one. Someone who can be proud to call me their partner.


End file.
